Another Day, Another Journey..

Day 1

Feelings I've had: 

I can do this!                                                                            

Okay…That wasn't so bad.

No I can’t! It’s too hard!                                                          

This too shall pass.

I’m SO hungry!                                                                        

It’s your own dang fault you’re in this mess!

I’m gonna kill my kids!                                                             

Maybe I’ll just start tomorrow…

What I wouldn't give for a Dirty Coke right now.                     

 I gotta pee!

This day has been a long time coming. I have spent countless sleepless nights thinking of every possible worst-case scenario for how my story would end. I have tried to fool myself into thinking I felt good—nothing was wrong—I’m just “big-boned.” But deep down I could see myself walking the path that my mother walked. Her time on earth was cut short and I, through my choices, could slowly see myself evolving into another version of her. And it scared me.

So here I sit—dinner time on my first day back on Ideal Protein wishing with all my might I had a juicy, cheesy burger in my hands. But instead I am chowing down on two cups of cucumbers and bell peppers with 7 delicious ounces of grilled chicken breast. You may not think that sounds like a lot—two cups—but let me tell you, for a girl not used to ingesting this kind of stuff, sometimes staring into my bowl of veggies is like staring into a never-ending bottomless pit.

I sit and throw myself a pity party for a while and then realize that the “torture” I’m going through is nothing more than me dealing with the consequences of possibly a bad gene pool, but most assuredly of my unhealthy actions throughout my adult life. I've got no one to blame but myself. I find myself staring into this bowl of rabbit food because I have abused my body…and sadly, I have very fond memories of this abuse—the sweetness of that bowl of ice cream or cheesecake—the gooeyness of that pizza or fried mozzarella. Sure there were immediate repercussions like heartburn, or bloating, but overall every step of my self-destruction has been pretty delicious.

I've tried this diet before—or should I call it an “eating program” or “new way of life.” And I lost over  60 pounds. I felt great. I looked great. Vegetables and I learned to be good friends. But something went wrong—actually a lot of things went wrong—and I quit. I didn't see this through to the end. I also justified it because I felt that all my hard work deserved a reward. I had earned the right to enjoy that bag of chips. I did it wrong and now I find myself back where I was a few years ago.

So here we go again—this time I’m determined to see this thing through to the (not so) bitter end. I want to know what it feels like to accomplish something like this. I want to feel good and most importantly, I want to change the course of my life and live.

Don't Call it a Comeback!

Seriously thinking about restarting this whole blogging thing. Reading some old posts I've realized just what an outlet it was. With the death of my sweet mother and the purchase of a new house--which seems to sense we've been here for two years so now is the perfect time to start showing it's flaws--and my adorable and hysterical children getting older and therefore more articulate (and let's face it, even more adorable and more hysterical) I would have a place for all my rants and raves and nonsensical, shooting-the-breeze kinda thoughts.

So obviously, when you add something new to your life there's gotta be something else that will take a hit, right? There are only so many hours in a day...So here is a list of possible facets of my fabulous life that may take a hit if I do indeed decide to go down the blogging road:

1) My Facebooking time, and in turn my hilarious and witty FB posts. I can't be witty all the time. So either the blog gets my best material or my posts do. I don't know if there's enough wittiness in me to go around...

2) My Pintrest time. THIS may seem like not a big deal, but for those of you that have eaten somewhere I have taken a dish to and have loved it? Yeah, you have Pintrest to thank. Therefore, cutting back on my Pinning time will lead to a serious decline in the deliciousness eminating from my kitchen.

3) My gym time. Let's be honest here: I'm always looking for an excuse to NOT go. "My throat has a tickle." "My toenails aren't polished." "My workout pants are too tight." The list goes on and on. Starting up the blog will just be one more excuse I can throw out there, and knowing my insane ability to rationalize everything I'm sure it wont be long before I whip this puppy out.

4) My wifely duties. Okay, so this one has been on the decline due to the three previous items listed. I cannot count the number of times Curran has come home and found me on Pintrest  with no clue of what I am going to feed my family or come home to an empty house cause I'm at the gym (working on my tan...not my physique) or come home to find the house exactly the way he left it--meaning that those really obvious messes like the shoes blocking the door or the pile of toys you have to dodge to get up or down the stairs are STILL there. But if my wifely duties are already suffering, is it really fair to put them in even greater jeopardy? I just don't know...

5) My mothering duties--Called by many "The noblest of callings". Even without blogging there have been plenty of days I've muttered the words: "Oh you're hungry? Eat whatever you can reach in the pantry or fridge." I love my children more than anything in this world--they're the source of my best material for FB and blog posts. Sometimes I wonder if this hasn't already taken a hit. When I think of my children and what they may grow up to be as adults and who would be the "successful" one Curran and I both have our money on Lola. Whereas I have huge dreams for Lola, I'm simply hoping to keep Noah from being that grown man who lives in his parent's basement eating cheese puffs and playing Dungeons and Dragons in his underwear.

I'm torn.

My Life (since my last post) in 10 Points

1. I just registered for a 5k. I will be running it (at an amazingly slow pace) this Saturday with friends. Luckily, a couple of my friends are CPR certified.

2. My kids are currently obsessed with Angry Birds--but not the game...the Youtube videos. Great fun. While exploring these videos they linked onto this one which my kids now incessantly sing over and over again:



3. Noah decided to moon his Nursery teacher this past Sunday during the lesson. I had just walked in to take him to the potty, but was waiting for the lesson to end. Noah proceeded to pull down his pants, and say out loud: "Hey! Look at this!"

4. I told Lola that I was thinking of making an appointment to get my eyes checked and that I might need a stronger prescription. She responds with: "Okay...Just don't come back looking like a nerd."

5. I really, REALLY dislike people who don't shovel their sidewalks. I felt like a stinkin' pioneer walking to the bus stop yesterday afternoon to get Lola. Nevermind that I was wearing a sweatshirt and loafers cause I don't own a winter coat or snow boots.

6. They updated Curran's Dish Network package which means we now get the Game Show Network. I believe my butt is one step closer to fusing itself to my couch. I mean seriously, I can't be expected to do anything productive when there are Match Game and $25,000 Pyramid episodes to watch!

7. While watching an episode of "Lingo" with Lola on the aforementioned GSN Lola mentioned to me that one of the contestants, Lisa, was a way better mom than me because she "enjoys playing with her children." I spent the rest of the day threatening to ship Lola of to Lisa when things weren't going smoothly. She, in turn, spent the rest of the day showering me with praises as to what a wonderful mother I indeed was.

8. I shoveled my whole sidewalk and my extremely long driveway. Conclusion: Snow blowers are SO not overrated.

9. Got a message (and pic) of one of my YW from back in CA and who is now in her 20's. Turns out she met David Archuleta and got to hang out with him for a couple of hours. I'm more than a little jealous. If loving David Archuleta is wrong, then gosh-darn it, I don't want to be right.

10. Tacos make me gassy. This may be considered TMI, but I'm not ashamed.

Running on Empty

I'm still "running." I officially finished week 5 of the "Couch-to-5k" program. That means I am more than half-way done. Today was not a good day, though. For the most part I have finished my running for the day feeling invigorated and energized and all those other positive words running fanatics use to describe why they run. Today I felt like I was hit by a freakin' truck. I was dreading this day for a while. On the schedule was a 5 minute brisk warm-up walk followed by 20 minutes of continuous running. I did it--however slowly--but I did it, and I hated every flippin' minute of it. In fact, it's been over 12 hours since said run was complete and I feel pain everywhere. It took a few hours for the nausea to subside, and my arms don't feel like jell-o as much as they did this morning.

The funny thing about this program is that it assumes you're running a 10 minute mile!!!! So it states: "Run 20 minutes (2 miles) without walking." Guess how far I got in 20 minutes? 1.25 miles!!!! Yeah I know I run slow--My friend Danni walks faster than I run--I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm a fatty, and although I'm not okay with that I am okay with my slower-than-tar-on-a-winters-day pace because at least I am doing something active. So anyway, I have decided that since the point of my doing this program is to actually complete a 5k (preferably in jogging mode) I am going to watch my distance rather than time...So all you mathmaticians tell me how long I had to "run" to get to my 2 mile goal...No! Nevermind! You don't need to tell me! I lived it. It was a LONG time!

Who runs a 10 minute mile, by the way? I mean, the whole program is all about taking a sedentary person (hence the "couch" part) and work them up to a 5k! How in the Hades am I supposed to be running a 10 minute mile? Let's be honest, even in the best of times the quickest I ever ran a mile was 11:42 and I was in the 7th grade. I've had quite a few Big Macs and Double-doubles since then, so it shouldn't surprise me that I am significantly slower, but truth be told, it can be a little disheartening.

Onward and upward, though. I may be one of the last people to cross that finish line in 3 weeks, and I may have to puke a time or two, but I will finish and I will "run" it. Cause the skinny girl inside of me in screaming to get out...luckily I've managed to shut her up by stuffing donuts down my throat, but that's a story for another day...

Chariots of Fire

So with every season of Biggest Loser I feel this little fire ignite deep within my gut. There's a little voice that says: "You can do it!" With the season finale on the horizon I find myself here once again. That show inspires me with a slight sprinkling of ticking me off. I would like to have a Jillian or Bob in my life. I want to leave kids and "real life" behind to have nothing but "me" time for months at a time--though truth be told I would be one of those blubbering moms who just wants to go home. And I know what they do on that show is like hard-core--some would say unhealthy. I know I ain't got a chance in Hades to lose 100 pounds in a couple of months--that's totally unrealistic, but it does motivate me to do a little more--to realize that sometimes the hardest part is just getting started.

So what did we get for Christmas? A treadmill. No more lame excuses about it being too cold to go outside. And for a few days after setting it up I would just sit and stare at it. We were sizing each other up, I think and I can't decide who is more scared of who (or is it whom?). I mean, I am a sizeable contender (no pun intended)but I know this machine can sometimes be likened to an instrument of torture--lots of pain, merciless. But after the encouragement I received online I finally set foot (or feet) on that puppy today. This helped too:



Couch potato to 5k in 9 weeks?! Can it be true? We shall see! For now, I have done day 1 and I am alive to tell the tale...I don't hate the treadmill yet. My children stood by and watched me--probably stunned to see their mother exercising. But they also cheered me on and Lola even said I looked better already. Sure I felt a little light-headed, but at least for now I am on my way to being a runner...

Oh the Good ol' Days...

Obsession

I've had a lot of obsessions in my lifetime: New Kids on the block, HGTV, reality TV, In-n-Out burgers, Elvis Presley. The list goes on and on. And when I moved to Colorado I had some pretty high hopes for new obsessions--top of the list was "the outdoors." Sadly, I'm still waiting for that one to kick in...

For the last year + that we've been here though, I have learned to dislike snow and anything that comes from McDonald's. In its place I have discovered a new love for all things chicken--especially if it comes from this place:

In the words of my friend's husband: "Find me someone who doesn't like Chick-Fil-A--That person doesn't exist." I concur, Josh. I totally concur. And what's not to love? Yummy salads, sandwiches, free balloons, an indoor play area that is closed off so you don't have to feel like you are eating lunch in a zoo, they refill your drinks, and no crappy kids meal toys (They give books! Books, I say!). I kid you not when I tell you that my typical trip there is never shorter than 1 hour.


But my real love is this:

The spicy chicken sandwich--it's plump and has a spicy kick that makes you say "Ooh! Mama mia!" (kinda like me). And just a couple days ago my love surged to new heights with this:
That's right, Chick-Fil-A sauce!! The little packet is honey roasted b-b-q sauce--which is a topic for anothe time, But here's my beef with this Chick-Fil-A sauce: Every time I go, the friendly cashier asks me if I want any sauce with my order. I always have a moment of panic and promptly say "No, thank you." even though I really want to say "Sure! What do you have to offer?" This place is always super busy and I don't want to be that lady that holds up the line to listen to the list of possible dipping sauces...And once I sit to eat I kick myself for not taking them up on their offer. But, dear Chick-Fil-A, how in the the world am I supposed to know what to ask for?! There is no "sauce menu" anywhere. I have peeked over to other fellow Chick-Fil-A lover's tables and have seen a myriad of sauces. How?! How do they know what this place has to offer? Is it a secret club? Do I have to reach a certain number visits before I am privy to this information? If so, I seriously think I have more than surpassed that number! Who do I see about this? The only reason I discovered this little bit of heaven was because my (real) friend, Leigh Anna let me take one of hers.

It's life-changing. You know how people have these near-death experiences--dark tunnel, bright light and the whole shebang? And when they come back out of it cause it wasn't their time they are changed for the better? They go on to do amazing things with their lives like all Mother Theresa-like? Yeah, that's totally where I'm at. If someone would have come up to me after my first taste of Chick-Fil-A sauce and asked for a kidney or my first-born I'm pretty sure I would've said "Sure! Do you need a lung to go with that?" or "Take her! And I have a 2-year-old I'll throw in for free!" It's just that good.

Problem is, now that I have discovered this little piece of magic, how do I know they're not still holding out on me? What else has Chick-Fil-A been keeping from me? And more importantly, why have they not bottled this sauce?! I'm a girl with a mission now!