I'm at a point in my life where I'm facing old demons. I'm back in a position I never wanted to find myself again and I hate that I'm here. I hate that my failure is so public. I hate that people are probably watching me and feeling sorry for me, or laughing or shaking their head and saying they're not surprised. I don't know for sure that this is what others think when they see me, but these are the things I feel and think when I look at myself, so I guess I assume others are doing the same. And I don't blame them.
Struggling with weight is exactly what it is--a struggle--made tougher by the fact that your victories and losses tend to be out there in public for all to see. The struggle is made easier when you're succeeding and others are praising your accomplishments and encouraging you. But when you take a few steps back and gain some weight back the silence can be a little deafening. I know it wouldn't be polite for others to mention my weight gain or talk to me about strategy like you would with a sports team that's come upon a losing streak, but still you realize that others are probably very much aware of the fact that you're not keeping that weight off.
As I've been watching and feeling the pants get a little snugger I've had a lot of time to think about why I am where I am. The answer is simple--food. It comes down to food. But it's also so much more than that. The emotional side of it is weighing on me (no pun intended). I discovered a few days ago that the minute I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin I tend to curl up and hide. I don't wanna go out with friends. I start to hide my body with leggings and dresses. I become so much tougher on the choices my kids make. And that one is probably the toughest. I am much harsher in my judgement of their choices--especially with food--It's like I project all the anger I feel at myself for failing onto my kids. I watch what they eat like a hawk and you better believe I let them know when I think they've overdone it on food servings or eating sweets. And I hate that I do this!! The last thing I want is for my kids to have food issues. I want them to have a much healthier relationship with food than I have, but I'm going about it the wrong way. And yet my failure causes me to lash out at them. Ugh...
I've tried time and time again to start anew--To turn over a new leaf and make a change, but it just doesn't last. And the GUILT! Oh my goodness, the guilt is almost too much to handle. To wake up and not have a game plan feels like I'm giving up and I can't allow myself to do this. Giving up means going back to where I was a year ago and that was a very ugly and unhappy place. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get un-stuck. So I sit here and write about it. Writing clears my head. Writing helps me put down all the emotions that are in my heart and head. But writing won't get me where I need to be.