Sunday, October 12, 2014

Breaking up is hard to do...

I am currently about 20 pounds away from my goal--hitting major milestones, losing inches like crazy, and although I am loving it there is a side to this story I was not expecting.

I started this journey partly because I cleared out my closet of clothes I believed I would never fit into again. When I realized I was basically giving up on myself I had a moment of clarity (thank goodness) and decided that I couldn't allow myself to be okay with who I had become. So I packed up all those "skinny" clothes and rather than getting rid of them I placed them all in a box in my closet and started this journey.

Now I find myself three months into this process and in desperate need of smaller clothes. I've slowly been digging through the box and pulling out better fitting clothes...but I cannot bring myself to get rid of the clothes that is now entirely too big on me. I have this fear that I will need it again--that just like last time I tried this it will all come to an abrupt end and I will find myself needing bigger clothes. It's my safety. Or is it? I thought I would be happy to say good-bye to it all with an amazing resolution to never see those sizes again, And yet, here I am wearing my size 20 jeans over and over again. I can't explain why I can't let them go. I feel like once again I am setting myself up for failure--like I'm giving myself an out.

The only thing I can liken this to is the repentance process. This whole journey has been a repentance process. It's been as emotionally/spiritually trying as the times I have come to my Heavenly Father in humble prayer seeking for peace and forgiveness for wrongs I have done. And in a lot of ways my weight gain was a result of a lot of wrongs in my life. I acknowledged my wrong-doing. I decided to change and rid my body and soul of the ugliness, the damage, the pain, the wrongs that have weighed my body down. It has been long and hard and many, many days I want to cry or stuff my face with food, I'll think that maybe relapsing wouldn't be so bad. But like any addict, even a little bit of your drug can be such a slippery slope.

The most beautiful part of the repentance process is the fact that once God has forgiven us he remembers our sin no more.

"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." (Isaiah 1:18)

We're taught in Church how the atonement works, and that it applies to all of us--me included. And if Heavenly Father forgives and forgets, why can't I forgive myself of my wrongdoings? And THAT is what I think is behind my connection with my "fat clothes." I know this is Satan's way of getting me to fail--to instill this doubt and fear in me. And yet I sit here and let his ways get to me. I am doubting myself and my ability to succeed. I want those larger clothes to stay around to justify my actions when I fail and regain the weight--so I can tell myself that I was right and I knew all along I couldn't do this. It doesn't help that I've been down this path before, gave up all my big clothes and then later found myself having to admit defeat and buy bigger pants--proof that I am a failure. Proof that I am weak and cannot finish this.

So my conclusion is this: Someone needs to come over and give me a swift kick in the pants, or punch in the face, or a slightly nicer pep talk and help me remember the words of President Uchtdorf: "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." 

No comments: