Another Day, Another Journey..

Day 1

Feelings I've had: 

I can do this!                                                                            

Okay…That wasn't so bad.

No I can’t! It’s too hard!                                                          

This too shall pass.

I’m SO hungry!                                                                        

It’s your own dang fault you’re in this mess!

I’m gonna kill my kids!                                                             

Maybe I’ll just start tomorrow…

What I wouldn't give for a Dirty Coke right now.                     

 I gotta pee!

This day has been a long time coming. I have spent countless sleepless nights thinking of every possible worst-case scenario for how my story would end. I have tried to fool myself into thinking I felt good—nothing was wrong—I’m just “big-boned.” But deep down I could see myself walking the path that my mother walked. Her time on earth was cut short and I, through my choices, could slowly see myself evolving into another version of her. And it scared me.

So here I sit—dinner time on my first day back on Ideal Protein wishing with all my might I had a juicy, cheesy burger in my hands. But instead I am chowing down on two cups of cucumbers and bell peppers with 7 delicious ounces of grilled chicken breast. You may not think that sounds like a lot—two cups—but let me tell you, for a girl not used to ingesting this kind of stuff, sometimes staring into my bowl of veggies is like staring into a never-ending bottomless pit.

I sit and throw myself a pity party for a while and then realize that the “torture” I’m going through is nothing more than me dealing with the consequences of possibly a bad gene pool, but most assuredly of my unhealthy actions throughout my adult life. I've got no one to blame but myself. I find myself staring into this bowl of rabbit food because I have abused my body…and sadly, I have very fond memories of this abuse—the sweetness of that bowl of ice cream or cheesecake—the gooeyness of that pizza or fried mozzarella. Sure there were immediate repercussions like heartburn, or bloating, but overall every step of my self-destruction has been pretty delicious.

I've tried this diet before—or should I call it an “eating program” or “new way of life.” And I lost over  60 pounds. I felt great. I looked great. Vegetables and I learned to be good friends. But something went wrong—actually a lot of things went wrong—and I quit. I didn't see this through to the end. I also justified it because I felt that all my hard work deserved a reward. I had earned the right to enjoy that bag of chips. I did it wrong and now I find myself back where I was a few years ago.

So here we go again—this time I’m determined to see this thing through to the (not so) bitter end. I want to know what it feels like to accomplish something like this. I want to feel good and most importantly, I want to change the course of my life and live.