So, I know it's been a long time. I've been busy. I've been feeling great. I've been loving life. Weight is still going down. I had no complaints. And then today happened...
Let me back up. As of a few days ago I have lost 50 pounds. FIFTY pounds. It feels amazing! I had to break out the smaller pants--luckily I own pants in 6 different sizes. And then came this--the self-rationalization that I DESERVED a reward. I had earned a cheat day. I needed a break. The funny thing is, this exact same thing happened last time I tried this program. Right around this same weight loss I started to convince myself that I had done a good enough job to take a one day break. The problem then was that a one day break turned into a 3 year break where I gained all the weight back and then some. It was a downward spiral. I was so racked with guilt after eating whatever it is I ate that had me falling off the wagon and I just tried to shut up all the negative self talk and guilt with food and more food.
Today...Today I ate a cookie...a delicious cookie that now has me feeling sick to my stomach and feeling like a quitter. I bet there are a lot of you out there saying how ridiculous that I am beating myself up over such a minor infraction...How one cookie does not a weight-loss train derail. But that's not the point. The point is this: When I started this journey on July 8 I promised myself, my spouse, my Heavenly Father that I would do this program the right way. I committed to see this 100% to the end. I told myself I was worth that commitment and I would not eat a single thing that was not approved. I have learned through the many weight loss attempts that I am an all-or-nothing kinda girl. I either do it right or I might as well not do it at all. Maybe I was setting myself up for failure? I don't know. All I know is that I cheated--which in itself is such an ugly word. I gave up--even if just for a minute. So now what do I do? It did cross my mind to say "SCREW IT!" and eat to my heart's content. But that was the old me. I can't do that. Though my will power gave out, I wont give up on myself. I'm too damn close to my goal to walk away now. I'm gonna stand back up, dust myself off and just keep going from where I am. I keep telling myself that I'm okay. I am not doomed. All is not lost. I am fighting those demons that I thought had disappeared.
